My sleep cycle is all fucked up.

So, I spent most of yesterday sleeping. Woke up at 10:30, exercised for a bit, then took a nap... that turned out to be seven hours long. I woke up at like 8pm. I watched a movie, went to bed, and slept until like 11am this morning. I don't know why my body needs this much sleep, but I hope I'm not getting ill.

My boy Brandon and his girl Ace wanna go to Vegas for our collective birthday extravaganza. Secretly hoping that maybe I'll be doing a show there by then ;) Or anywhere, really. I was thinking about it, and there isn't a single show that I wouldn't be pleased as punch to do. If I had a preference, it'd be a touring show, then a show in Vegas so that I could spend free time recording with my buddy Ev, then probably Japan, because... well, it's fucking Japan, and that'd be awesome. But I went through all the Cirque shows online, and I realized I would be more excited to be a part of any of them than I've been about anything else in my entire life. Making Vanguard couldn't top it. I loved DCI, but oh man, this would be so much better. It'd be like a school of performance, every day, for as long as they'd take me. I'm dying for news. So much so that I actually checked the statistics on my youtube videos to see where they had been viewed from. Canada is lit, if only barely. By no means is that an assurance that they came from Cirque, but I can dream, can't I?

Just realized I never linked to my youtube videos from here. I'm a dunce.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRwdjOEjamQ - Allegria (music/drumset recording delay is still pissing me off)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcupZ2k8bAs - Rudimental/I&E stuff

Post Trip

I'm currently on a plane on my way back from Boston. Got to see my buddy Eman for his birthday, which was awesome. We pretty much laughed and played video games the entire trip. It was great, but I get the impression he's getting tired. Not like the lack of rest tired, but like the "tired of life being the way it is" kind of tired. It's kind of sad/disheartening to witness. I feel a gap growing between us that wasn't there before. I think he wants a serious change of venue in his life. So, slightly bittersweet note to the trip. Wish I could do more to make him happy, he's my boy. Keeping my eyes/mind open hoping for inspiration. Overall, still a great trip though. I'm exhausted.

I fell asleep almost immediately on the plane, I didn't even buckle my seatbelt, I woke up to them telling us we could take them off. But I'd literally been dreaming of life with a traveling Cirque show. This may sound like exaggeration, but I assure you it's not. My dreams are pretty literal. It's funny the pieces that stand out in my memory, because they weren't visions about being on stage night after night, they were things like sitting at airports and train stations with a bunch of fellow bohemians, busking just to have an excuse to perform and entertain people. The experience of traveling the world with people like me would be a dream come true - a real bohemian life.

The process of filming my audition videos (hairy though it may have been) combined with my recent airport experiences, plus my dreams for the future have led me to consider another wing of this project. If I get the gig, I want to film a documentary about a year in the life of the show. I think that would be a blast, and give me the experience in filming/editing I've been looking for on some of my other projects. This does not seem like a financially challenging project to undertake, as all it will require is a serious laptop (which I'd be bringing anyway), a decent camera (which thanks to the recent advent of 3D filming will have dropped significantly in price), and enough storage space for the video itself. This will not be too expensive a proposition. External hard drives are pretty travel friendly at this point, and not nearly as expensive as they were once upon a time, not to mention SD cards' portability/cheapness. I may have to upgrade my backpack situation though if I'm going to need to carry more hardware/data/connectors around with me (I already carry enough wires to link up with MIR if I had to). Still, no real impediments there.

Ok, so it's feasible. But why do I want to do it? There are several reasons. One is that I'll be very separated from my friends and family if I end up on a traveling Cirque show. They're already used to me being pretty nomadic, but I don't appear to be very good at informing people of what happens in my life over the years. If I had a nickel for every time someone has been like, "When did you live in Chicago?" or the rough equivalent, I'd not be hurting for money. It'd be nice to have something to show them, something that may do a better job of translating the appeal of a nomadic bohemian life than I've ever done trying to describe it. Another reason is that my own memory for experiences is not so great. I'm very pleased that I tend to live in the moment, but that doesn't mean I wish to forget my entire life... and I do have a tendency to lose track of six months here or there. Finally, I really do love to tell stories, and I think this would be a good one to tell. Film is an art form I desperately love, and know nothing about. This would be a good opportunity to stretch out and capture a story worth telling. I have no idea what I'm doing technically, and I'd have no idea what was to come, or even what story I'd be telling until after the year was over. That probably sounds ridiculous to most people, but that's just about the right amount of chaos for me. I like to learn by just jumping in with both feet, and I think I'd like to work with film at some point in the future. That's all I need for incentive.

So I'll add another huge project onto the list of huge projects I'd like to take on. I know that this is all assuming I even GET a gig with Cirque. I don't deny that I'm a dreamer - I very much am. But I can think of worse ways to live a life. Recently I've been spending quite a bit of time just thinking about the life I wish for. People say you can make things happen in your life just by envisioning them. They call it "the law of attraction," or "the secret." I just think it has to do with keeping your eyes open. We all see what we think about. I think about a world of creators, of performers, of people who aren't afraid to put themselves out there to inspire others, to bring them to life. So when the opportunity arose for Cirque, I jumped on it. Now I'm doing whatever I can to work towards that piece of the puzzle, and if I get it, I'll be mentally prepared for whatever I can do with the opportunities I see there. I don't know if those "the secret/law of attraction" people are right, but I'm sure I'll find out one way or another.

So, in the interim, here I am, keeping the dream alive, envisioning the life I want to lead, the people I want to inspire and be inspired by, the world I want to inhabit, and invite others into. The things I wish to create, and share.

Whoever or whatever may be out there, please send me an audition request. Give me the opportunity. I'll keep visualizing/preparing for/dreaming of it until it comes.

Stay Positive -

The Fool

"Your file has been received."

I heard from Cirque today, no news, just an email saying that my info had been received and that someone would be reviewing it soon. Even though there's no news, I can't tell you how exciting that was. The process moves forward and I haven't just been shuffled off into the void ;)

Looked at the site again, they have a post up for auditions in LA, but no drummer needed. Keyboard percussion, yes. I wish I had a marimba, I'd make a keyboard percussion audition, but alas, I do not. Other than that, there are the auditions in Austin, TX in March, but you have to live in the area to apply. Seriously considered moving to Austin just to apply, but I can't, as I still haven't saved enough to buy a vehicle yet. In a couple weeks, if I haven't heard anything, maybe I'll consider it again. In the interim, just excited that it's even the tiniest bit closer. Plenty of steps left to go, but I've been grinning for hours, just at the possibilities.

Unrelated tangent, the unendingly brilliant Gavin Castleton has blown me away YET AGAIN... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCtGNX9JHOE Yes, he's playing, editing, and mixing that entire orchestration live on Ableton looper. One day I'm going to lure him out to a studio somewhere to record together.

Stay positive!

About to end my day at work...

Technically, I got off 18 minutes ago, I'm just waiting for my ride.

So, I made an unwise purchase the other day. In my pursuit of getting into cirque condition, I'd decided to invest in exercise-friendly headphones. The problem is the "headphones" that I'm used to using are my recording monitors, in which I've grown accustomed to hearing every possible sound in the sharpest, clearest detail.

I have officially become an... *shudder*... audiophile.

So, after spending countless hours reading reviews online for exercise friendly headphones with a decent spectrum of sound, I purchased a set. They're incredibly uncomfortable and sound like hell. These were the highest recommendation across every review aggregator I could find - so much for the wisdom of crowds. So, earbuds are officially out. I may try a behind the neck set next. External speakers, won't be as friendly when it comes to sweat, but maybe they'll be endurable. Really, I just need something that can crank music at me intensely enough to push me without making me cringe. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

This of course is all just an excuse to avoid conditioning myself with more intensity, but fortunately I realize that and am not allowing it to work. I threw myself into my regimen with more intensity than any day so far. But that + working 4x10 this week in preparation for going home to Boston this weekend is exhausting me. Just trying to keep the end in mind. When the call comes, I want to be ready. I can't give them any excuse to pass me up.

Stay positive.

Learning...

A couple days ago I decided to look and see if I could find a blog about someone who'd done what I wish to do - run away with the circus. I found this blog http://withthecircus.blogspot.com/ which I have now read in its entirety. And I must say, I have never so badly wished for anything in my life.

I have been extraordinarily lucky in my musical/artistic upbringing. I got to start drumming at an incredibly early age, learning to read music before I learned to read English. My family was super supportive, and I had the greatest teacher anyone has EVER had in Jon Varao. These things were crucial to my craft. But what my high school/drum corps experience offered was so much more than that.

My High school band program had close to three hundred people in it. And it was a serious education. Our band directors (yes, plural) brought in everyone they could find to teach, critique, and inspire us. A typical year of my high school involved me being in the marching band, one of our three jazz bands, symphonic/concert/wind ensembles, a musical pit orchestra, winter drumline, percussion ensembles, and any excuse you could come up with for people to pick up an instrument, pep bands, rallies, people just showing up in the band room and playing because there were instruments there. I would literally start my days at the band room at 6am for jazz before school, have two or three classes during the day amongst regular school classes, and then continue on to whatever other projects we did until 9pm. This happened every day for four years. They would set us up with professional gigs around town, they helped us make connections on the scene. They did more than I think they'll ever know. I've met masters students of music who didn't have 1/10th of the exposure we had.

Then, after my sophomore year during the long and unendurable summers away from everyone, I did two seasons of drum corps. This was an entirely different animal - extraordinarily talented, dedicated, disciplined, and always changing. We'd suddenly replace an entire piece of music and have to have it ready to perform that night. Cleaning and perfecting the show was constant. And dear lord, did it beat the living hell out of my hands/technique. We would frequently have 12-15 hour days of work, rehearsal, travel to the show site, warm up, performance, packing up, and going to the next city, starting all over again. There's a long running saying, "Drum Corps = Peanut butter, cold showers, gym floors, and buses." I learned to live out of a suitcase (something that has served me invaluably since, and a situation I genuinely prefer), I learned unbelievable detail about the mechanics of drumming, but most importantly, I learned that there literally is no such thing as "can't." This, above all else, is what stuck with me.

I don't think I've ever been happier. I drummed and performed all the time, year round, and then I started gigging twice a week with my band as well. All the time I was surrounded by artists, culture, performance, and PASSION. Yes, things were tough at times, yes, there can be quite a bit of stress surrounding any performance. But I was so naive to think that this would be the way it always was.

I have since had many musical experiences. I had an ill-fated run in with a "music college" that shall remain nameless, filled with a teaching staff filled with embittered, spiteful failed musicians - and had the sense to leave before it spoiled me as I saw so many other talents get spoiled. I've recorded a ton, something I desperately love and that allowed me to experience most major cities in the US. I've played with countless bands live. I've been surrounded by musicians from time to time. But NEVER have I been able to live and love and breathe performance like that period in my life. That's what I really want. I want to be challenged, I want to be made uncomfortable again, I want to kill myself on stage night after night, and that's all I want.

So, after I started writing this blog I looked to see if I could find anyone else's experience of this. And although there may be much I can't relate to yet, I can tell you that I've never been more perfectly suited for anything in my life. So, a big thank you goes out to the Kennedy family for tracking their experiences, both Cirque related and life related, and sharing them with the world. You've redoubled my enthusiasm and desire, something I didn't imagine possible ;)

The wait goes on. In the interim, I'm still staying musically prepared and doing conditioning so I'll be ready when the call comes. Side note - Since Thanksgiving, I am 25 pounds less. Still a while to get back to my 97% lean state, but I feel much more mobile.

Stay Positive

The Fool