My sleep cycle is all fucked up.

So, I spent most of yesterday sleeping. Woke up at 10:30, exercised for a bit, then took a nap... that turned out to be seven hours long. I woke up at like 8pm. I watched a movie, went to bed, and slept until like 11am this morning. I don't know why my body needs this much sleep, but I hope I'm not getting ill.

My boy Brandon and his girl Ace wanna go to Vegas for our collective birthday extravaganza. Secretly hoping that maybe I'll be doing a show there by then ;) Or anywhere, really. I was thinking about it, and there isn't a single show that I wouldn't be pleased as punch to do. If I had a preference, it'd be a touring show, then a show in Vegas so that I could spend free time recording with my buddy Ev, then probably Japan, because... well, it's fucking Japan, and that'd be awesome. But I went through all the Cirque shows online, and I realized I would be more excited to be a part of any of them than I've been about anything else in my entire life. Making Vanguard couldn't top it. I loved DCI, but oh man, this would be so much better. It'd be like a school of performance, every day, for as long as they'd take me. I'm dying for news. So much so that I actually checked the statistics on my youtube videos to see where they had been viewed from. Canada is lit, if only barely. By no means is that an assurance that they came from Cirque, but I can dream, can't I?

Just realized I never linked to my youtube videos from here. I'm a dunce.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRwdjOEjamQ - Allegria (music/drumset recording delay is still pissing me off)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcupZ2k8bAs - Rudimental/I&E stuff

Post Trip

I'm currently on a plane on my way back from Boston. Got to see my buddy Eman for his birthday, which was awesome. We pretty much laughed and played video games the entire trip. It was great, but I get the impression he's getting tired. Not like the lack of rest tired, but like the "tired of life being the way it is" kind of tired. It's kind of sad/disheartening to witness. I feel a gap growing between us that wasn't there before. I think he wants a serious change of venue in his life. So, slightly bittersweet note to the trip. Wish I could do more to make him happy, he's my boy. Keeping my eyes/mind open hoping for inspiration. Overall, still a great trip though. I'm exhausted.

I fell asleep almost immediately on the plane, I didn't even buckle my seatbelt, I woke up to them telling us we could take them off. But I'd literally been dreaming of life with a traveling Cirque show. This may sound like exaggeration, but I assure you it's not. My dreams are pretty literal. It's funny the pieces that stand out in my memory, because they weren't visions about being on stage night after night, they were things like sitting at airports and train stations with a bunch of fellow bohemians, busking just to have an excuse to perform and entertain people. The experience of traveling the world with people like me would be a dream come true - a real bohemian life.

The process of filming my audition videos (hairy though it may have been) combined with my recent airport experiences, plus my dreams for the future have led me to consider another wing of this project. If I get the gig, I want to film a documentary about a year in the life of the show. I think that would be a blast, and give me the experience in filming/editing I've been looking for on some of my other projects. This does not seem like a financially challenging project to undertake, as all it will require is a serious laptop (which I'd be bringing anyway), a decent camera (which thanks to the recent advent of 3D filming will have dropped significantly in price), and enough storage space for the video itself. This will not be too expensive a proposition. External hard drives are pretty travel friendly at this point, and not nearly as expensive as they were once upon a time, not to mention SD cards' portability/cheapness. I may have to upgrade my backpack situation though if I'm going to need to carry more hardware/data/connectors around with me (I already carry enough wires to link up with MIR if I had to). Still, no real impediments there.

Ok, so it's feasible. But why do I want to do it? There are several reasons. One is that I'll be very separated from my friends and family if I end up on a traveling Cirque show. They're already used to me being pretty nomadic, but I don't appear to be very good at informing people of what happens in my life over the years. If I had a nickel for every time someone has been like, "When did you live in Chicago?" or the rough equivalent, I'd not be hurting for money. It'd be nice to have something to show them, something that may do a better job of translating the appeal of a nomadic bohemian life than I've ever done trying to describe it. Another reason is that my own memory for experiences is not so great. I'm very pleased that I tend to live in the moment, but that doesn't mean I wish to forget my entire life... and I do have a tendency to lose track of six months here or there. Finally, I really do love to tell stories, and I think this would be a good one to tell. Film is an art form I desperately love, and know nothing about. This would be a good opportunity to stretch out and capture a story worth telling. I have no idea what I'm doing technically, and I'd have no idea what was to come, or even what story I'd be telling until after the year was over. That probably sounds ridiculous to most people, but that's just about the right amount of chaos for me. I like to learn by just jumping in with both feet, and I think I'd like to work with film at some point in the future. That's all I need for incentive.

So I'll add another huge project onto the list of huge projects I'd like to take on. I know that this is all assuming I even GET a gig with Cirque. I don't deny that I'm a dreamer - I very much am. But I can think of worse ways to live a life. Recently I've been spending quite a bit of time just thinking about the life I wish for. People say you can make things happen in your life just by envisioning them. They call it "the law of attraction," or "the secret." I just think it has to do with keeping your eyes open. We all see what we think about. I think about a world of creators, of performers, of people who aren't afraid to put themselves out there to inspire others, to bring them to life. So when the opportunity arose for Cirque, I jumped on it. Now I'm doing whatever I can to work towards that piece of the puzzle, and if I get it, I'll be mentally prepared for whatever I can do with the opportunities I see there. I don't know if those "the secret/law of attraction" people are right, but I'm sure I'll find out one way or another.

So, in the interim, here I am, keeping the dream alive, envisioning the life I want to lead, the people I want to inspire and be inspired by, the world I want to inhabit, and invite others into. The things I wish to create, and share.

Whoever or whatever may be out there, please send me an audition request. Give me the opportunity. I'll keep visualizing/preparing for/dreaming of it until it comes.

Stay Positive -

The Fool

"Your file has been received."

I heard from Cirque today, no news, just an email saying that my info had been received and that someone would be reviewing it soon. Even though there's no news, I can't tell you how exciting that was. The process moves forward and I haven't just been shuffled off into the void ;)

Looked at the site again, they have a post up for auditions in LA, but no drummer needed. Keyboard percussion, yes. I wish I had a marimba, I'd make a keyboard percussion audition, but alas, I do not. Other than that, there are the auditions in Austin, TX in March, but you have to live in the area to apply. Seriously considered moving to Austin just to apply, but I can't, as I still haven't saved enough to buy a vehicle yet. In a couple weeks, if I haven't heard anything, maybe I'll consider it again. In the interim, just excited that it's even the tiniest bit closer. Plenty of steps left to go, but I've been grinning for hours, just at the possibilities.

Unrelated tangent, the unendingly brilliant Gavin Castleton has blown me away YET AGAIN... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCtGNX9JHOE Yes, he's playing, editing, and mixing that entire orchestration live on Ableton looper. One day I'm going to lure him out to a studio somewhere to record together.

Stay positive!

About to end my day at work...

Technically, I got off 18 minutes ago, I'm just waiting for my ride.

So, I made an unwise purchase the other day. In my pursuit of getting into cirque condition, I'd decided to invest in exercise-friendly headphones. The problem is the "headphones" that I'm used to using are my recording monitors, in which I've grown accustomed to hearing every possible sound in the sharpest, clearest detail.

I have officially become an... *shudder*... audiophile.

So, after spending countless hours reading reviews online for exercise friendly headphones with a decent spectrum of sound, I purchased a set. They're incredibly uncomfortable and sound like hell. These were the highest recommendation across every review aggregator I could find - so much for the wisdom of crowds. So, earbuds are officially out. I may try a behind the neck set next. External speakers, won't be as friendly when it comes to sweat, but maybe they'll be endurable. Really, I just need something that can crank music at me intensely enough to push me without making me cringe. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

This of course is all just an excuse to avoid conditioning myself with more intensity, but fortunately I realize that and am not allowing it to work. I threw myself into my regimen with more intensity than any day so far. But that + working 4x10 this week in preparation for going home to Boston this weekend is exhausting me. Just trying to keep the end in mind. When the call comes, I want to be ready. I can't give them any excuse to pass me up.

Stay positive.

Learning...

A couple days ago I decided to look and see if I could find a blog about someone who'd done what I wish to do - run away with the circus. I found this blog http://withthecircus.blogspot.com/ which I have now read in its entirety. And I must say, I have never so badly wished for anything in my life.

I have been extraordinarily lucky in my musical/artistic upbringing. I got to start drumming at an incredibly early age, learning to read music before I learned to read English. My family was super supportive, and I had the greatest teacher anyone has EVER had in Jon Varao. These things were crucial to my craft. But what my high school/drum corps experience offered was so much more than that.

My High school band program had close to three hundred people in it. And it was a serious education. Our band directors (yes, plural) brought in everyone they could find to teach, critique, and inspire us. A typical year of my high school involved me being in the marching band, one of our three jazz bands, symphonic/concert/wind ensembles, a musical pit orchestra, winter drumline, percussion ensembles, and any excuse you could come up with for people to pick up an instrument, pep bands, rallies, people just showing up in the band room and playing because there were instruments there. I would literally start my days at the band room at 6am for jazz before school, have two or three classes during the day amongst regular school classes, and then continue on to whatever other projects we did until 9pm. This happened every day for four years. They would set us up with professional gigs around town, they helped us make connections on the scene. They did more than I think they'll ever know. I've met masters students of music who didn't have 1/10th of the exposure we had.

Then, after my sophomore year during the long and unendurable summers away from everyone, I did two seasons of drum corps. This was an entirely different animal - extraordinarily talented, dedicated, disciplined, and always changing. We'd suddenly replace an entire piece of music and have to have it ready to perform that night. Cleaning and perfecting the show was constant. And dear lord, did it beat the living hell out of my hands/technique. We would frequently have 12-15 hour days of work, rehearsal, travel to the show site, warm up, performance, packing up, and going to the next city, starting all over again. There's a long running saying, "Drum Corps = Peanut butter, cold showers, gym floors, and buses." I learned to live out of a suitcase (something that has served me invaluably since, and a situation I genuinely prefer), I learned unbelievable detail about the mechanics of drumming, but most importantly, I learned that there literally is no such thing as "can't." This, above all else, is what stuck with me.

I don't think I've ever been happier. I drummed and performed all the time, year round, and then I started gigging twice a week with my band as well. All the time I was surrounded by artists, culture, performance, and PASSION. Yes, things were tough at times, yes, there can be quite a bit of stress surrounding any performance. But I was so naive to think that this would be the way it always was.

I have since had many musical experiences. I had an ill-fated run in with a "music college" that shall remain nameless, filled with a teaching staff filled with embittered, spiteful failed musicians - and had the sense to leave before it spoiled me as I saw so many other talents get spoiled. I've recorded a ton, something I desperately love and that allowed me to experience most major cities in the US. I've played with countless bands live. I've been surrounded by musicians from time to time. But NEVER have I been able to live and love and breathe performance like that period in my life. That's what I really want. I want to be challenged, I want to be made uncomfortable again, I want to kill myself on stage night after night, and that's all I want.

So, after I started writing this blog I looked to see if I could find anyone else's experience of this. And although there may be much I can't relate to yet, I can tell you that I've never been more perfectly suited for anything in my life. So, a big thank you goes out to the Kennedy family for tracking their experiences, both Cirque related and life related, and sharing them with the world. You've redoubled my enthusiasm and desire, something I didn't imagine possible ;)

The wait goes on. In the interim, I'm still staying musically prepared and doing conditioning so I'll be ready when the call comes. Side note - Since Thanksgiving, I am 25 pounds less. Still a while to get back to my 97% lean state, but I feel much more mobile.

Stay Positive

The Fool

HOLY SHIT am I behind on posting here...

Alright, where to begin?

The process of creating videos for my Cirque audition portfolio has been like an unholy-super-creature of sisyphean magnitude. But that's alright, because it's fucking DONE. Yeah, I said it - I finished and posted all of that stuff this morning.

So here's where it begins: Finding a camera. My camera requirements were relatively specific, in that anything that recorded to tape would be fucking useless to me. I don't have the infrastructure to pull it online. So, I needed something that could record to disc, SD card, or internal hard drive that I could record off to the computer afterwards. So I put out feelers to find one that I could borrow, and came up with exactly jack shit. So, the last weekend I could film the drumset part my Dad's girlfriend pulls through with a friend who apparently always has pretty nice gear. We drive up to get it... and it records to tape - BUT - it also has a DV port to transfer to PC. I can work with that. But there's no cable.

So off to Fry's I go. Now, DV ports are supposed to go to firewire (or IEEE 1394 interface for the techno snobbish among us). But I remember transferring via DV to high speed USB before, and my netbook has high speed USB ports. So I figure I can get a DV-high speed USB and I'm solid. WRONG. Apparently, they were never really supposed to make those in the first place, and they never really worked very well, so they stopped. Alright, so I'm at Fry's, I figure I'll buy a camcorder, record, rip the videos, and return it. I find one that's got an 80 gig internal hard drive and takes SD cards (which I got an 8 gig card for like $17 [I've been wanting one anyway, not a big expenditure]), and the camera cost me like $270. Not what I wanted to do, but necessary, so it got done.

I go home, I throw it on the charger, and call it a night. Next day I wake up to get ready to film. I eat some real food and pound a mana potion (See: "Liquid Sleep") so I'm rarin' to go. Where am I recording? In the field down at the school at the bottom of my hill. Why? Because if I try and record indoors on this little camcorder I'm FOR SURE going to blow out the mic, get crappy sound on the video, and never get my money back. So, outdoors the sound gets lost in the open space, plus it's sunny and the drums look beautiful, plus... it's really nice playing outside. I've done it a few times before, like in KS I set up in the middle of a field and played for like eight hours one day, it ruled. I pick a spot and start hauling my drums out into the middle of the field.

If you've ever seen a drumset up close, you probably realize that it's not the most portable instrument ever devised by man. It's roughly the equivalent of dismantling an original VW Beetle and dragging it piece by piece to your destination. By the time I get out there, I'm exhausted and pounding water. I get set up, and start playing, and people keep coming by and saying hello, only one dude complained. Then as I'm really getting focused I see two police officers strolling towards me across the grass.

They basically tell me that one of the neighbors called repeatedly and they came to check it out, but I'm not breaking any laws and legally there's nothing they can do about it, but they wanted to see how long I'd be. I told them I'd do my best to wrap it up quickly. I finished up, checked my videos, made sure I got what I needed and packed up. All told, I was only out there for about three hours, which counting getting set up and breaking down is quite an achievement.

I go home, look at the videos, and start the upload process, only to find out that the manufacturer of my camcorder (who shall remain nameless [but rhymes with "manasonic"]) has elected to forgo exporting in a traditional video format (like .mpg, .mp4, .avi, .mov, .flv, even fucking .qtm would've worked) for more exotic fare. This is so that I'd have to install their software which in true "RealPlayer" format tries to take over every video and image file on your computer of all the file types it DOESN'T fucking export to (Did no one learn anything from RealPlayer?). The software comes on a disc, but the I have a netbook - no optical drive. So I start looking around.

My Dad's girlfriend's computer has the benefit of an optical drive, and the deficiency of i386, "kickstart" speed performance. So I throw the disc on there and fire it up, only for it to take like three hours importing all 3,600 high definition photos into the library, a process during which (of course) the entire computer is in suspended animation. Eventually I managed to export all the files, copy them to my thumb drive, copy them to the netbook, and get to work. Or so I thought.

You see, the problem with video editing is that the software is a bitch. It's slow, it takes forever to work, and the files consume massive amounts of space. One of the video clips from which I was extracting two minutes of footage was like 45 minutes long and about 1.6 gigs. The netbook only has a gig of operating memory. Therfeore, I can't be working on a file larger than the memory to process it.

This leaves Brandon's computer, which I had recently killed. To make a long story incredibly short, I couldn't restore the computer because something on the hard drive wouldn't allow me to completely format it. So every time I'd boot with restore software, it'd be fine for a minute or so, then BSOD with a message like "blah blah memory dump." I went into the bios and ran the memory test, I checked the hard drive for physical defects, everything would run clean until the time came to actually wipe the drive, which just failed repeatedly. So, I had resigned myself to hiring someone to help restore the comp to its original glory, something that hurt my pride tremendously. But in pursuit of glory these sacrifices need be made.

I had tried to call this computer repair guy a couple times before and never heard back from him. I called him again the next day and after playing phone tag most of the day, I got him on the phone and explained my circumstances to him. He suggested that I use a piece of software called "Darik's Boot and Nuke," which basically writes over the hard drive nine times. The best part of which is that it's an .iso, so I could boot right to it and not let the hard drive interfere. I found it, downloaded it, transferred the download to the comp with the disc drive, discovered it couldn't burn ISOs, downloaded and ISO burner, burned it, and fired it up. This program runs like a CHAMP, I highly recommend it. It also ran for like 14 hours. So that day was kind of a wash too. But bottom line: computer fixed, $0. Note to self: Still need to buy that dude a Starbucks gift card.

The next morning, I awoke to find a computer that was fully functional again, if missing all of the software. So I spent that day after work reinstalling the operating system and all of the programs I need on a daily basis (Chrome, Daemon Tools, Mu Torrent, Open Office, Audacity, RARfrog, VLC Media Player, etc, ad nauseum). So that day was out. Next day I started looking at free video editing software, finally found something reliable and open source. I started the process of learning to use it, cutting files together, making some basic transitions, editing audio, etc. I put together a rough cut of the first clip and my "background" segment.

The next day was Saturday, during which I intended to film my second video, some drum corps rudimental stuff and stick tricks, showmanship stuff, as I figured it displayed a different set of tools better than another video at the set would. I went out and bought a pair of Hardimons and some white electrical tape to tape them with. This is a process that I thought I'd have forgotten completely,but I've done it so many fucking time that I was halfway done with the second one (taped in the opposite direction) before I even realized what I was doing. Thank you for that, drum corps... I brought a pad, a stand, the tripod and the camera back down to the park, and I just wasn't feeling it. I got a couple of takes that were clean, smooth, but I just didn't feel good about it. I packed up and decided to take a crack at it the next day. Sunday morning rolls around and it's cloudy and miserable - my FAVORITE days. I'm amped. So I set up on the porch, warm up, run through the piece once or twice, tape it, and it's good. I import it (see painful fucking process before), and start cutting it too. At this point I have a decent understanding of what I'm doing with the software, so it moves pretty quickly.

Then I start the upload process. The rudimental one is fine, but when I export the drumset one, the music reference track is like 1/100th of a second behind the video track. This may seem minuscule, but this is a fucking HUGE amount when music is involved. I go back in to edit, and I listen to it there and it sounds fine. So I export as a bunch of different file types, and they all have various synching issues. I go back in and move the audio track off by the smallest amount it will allow me in the other direction and export it, and it's like just as bad, but in the other direction.

At this point, I'm starting to get pissed off.

I try cutting the beginning of the audio track offset from the amount we're able to move the files, but it still moves locked to the same frames. Finally, I decided to take the reference track with drums on it, split the channels, delete the drum channel, make the remaining channel mono and import it. This worked a little bit better, but it's still a TINY amount ahead of the beat. But it's as close as I could come, and nothing's perfect. Basically, I needed to make videos that demonstrated my ability to play their music, and it does that, even if it's not quite what I wanted. Deciding it was good enough, I start the upload process to youtube and go to bed. It of course fails when the computer's sleep settings kick in after twenty minutes (FURY). So this morning I change the power settings, start the upload again, and go to work. 6:30am, it shows up on youtube. So I copied the links, signed into my Cirque account, filled in all my info, sent my resume, the videos, and a picture of myself, and submitted.

I have officially done all within my power to bring this to reality. Now all that I have to do is wait and see. Something tells me the hard part begins now.

On a side note: Everyone's reactions to the videos so far have been positive, if very different from one another. Amongst the most common descriptions were "effortless," and "easy." To these I just smiled and said thank you instead of disabusing them of this illusion and laying this entire story upon them. And that's why this blog exists! Because now that it's over, this shit is hilarious. And I hope that this isn't the end of the process. I hope that I get to keep making entries. I hope that I get to chronicle my life as a member of such an awesome artistic organization that gets to bring joy an excitement to the lives of millions. I hope that they'll just ask me to audition. I'll take care of the rest.

But for now, I've done whatever I can to get there. Fingers crossed. PICK ME!

Necessary Changes

Ok, so updating the blog at lunch time, although this won’t be posted until sometime tonight after work. I have my laptop, so I’m just writing on word, I’ll post it when I have internet access. For some reason the W key is not cooperating, and I refuse to continue fixing it. That will explain any missing W’s from here on out.

Things I must do to start reorganizing my life to make the Cirque audition more likely include:

*Finding a place to practice

*Beginning to get back into condition

*Finding more efficient usage of my time

These must be addressed if I have any likelihood of success here. So, finding a place to practice first: I have some chance of playing outside somewhere, but this will require use of the vehicle. This may be more difficult to arrange than I’d like to admit. I also have the ability to go to a practice space that has a drumset built in, which only costs about $20 an hour. Unfortunately, I won’t get paid before mid month, just under three weeks away. This is after I would like to have already posted my video. I may be able to practice in the house, but I think that means I need to send Dad and Susan out somewhere to get time at the house with no one there. Practicing at the house before or after work is not an option, as it’ll be too late for the neighbors. That leaves weekends. Not the most ideal circumstances still. Must think more on this.

Beginning to get back into condition: Multiple reasons for this, 1) People instinctively hire people who are more aesthetically pleasing, 2) Part of my sales pitch is that I’m young and a good long term investment, 3) Most of the people involved in Cirque are extraordinarily conditioned anyway, blending into an environment is always good, 4) It’s probably just time. Locale… there’s an elementary school right down the hill, could probably use their playground/field to great effect. This may require a small investment in exercise clothing/shoes, but it’ll be worth it. In the interim, I have enough to get by with.

Finding more efficient usage of my time: This one kind of hurts. I’ve never been good at this. Almost like the Gods are determined to point it out to me, my new job requires me to log time into a system that keeps track of how long I work on each individual project. This is far more detail oriented than is comfortable for me, but I’ll have to adapt, and it’ll be good practice for the rest of my life. I frequently lose track of hours by the dozen, and thank god I have no system to game on currently, or I’d just be fucked. But time that I’d ordinarily spend playing around online or watching movies is getting shuffled back to this focus.

This all brings together another point which is worth taking into consideration: I am used to having significantly more free time to spend on projects of my choosing. This is going to be a temporary push completely in the other direction. I have no interest in working 40 hours at an office, but it can’t be helped if I want to be able to afford everything else that will be required; I have no interest in exercising, certainly not enough to do what I plan to do; I have no interest in dealing with moving my drums around and finding opportunities to play without disrupting others (a constant battle, as a drummer). But these changes stand between me and doing what I want to do with my life. If I can muscle through these next few months, I may be putting myself in a position to finally do the stuff I REALLY want to do, surround myself with the kind of people I want to know, and to learn the things I want to learn about… acting, direction, comedy, stage performance, etc. This may be even better for my mixed education than WAAPA (a dream school I had to give up on a couple years ago).

So, once again, laziness stands between me and what I want to do. Have to find a way to make it work.

Stay Postive

The Fool